


when you're gone

by Hellokaelyn



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-08 16:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20838722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellokaelyn/pseuds/Hellokaelyn
Summary: Grief, loss..it was nothing new to her. She had experienced enough of it in the last three years between losing Qasim and Clay, but sometimes it just hits you harder.





	when you're gone

**Author's Note:**

> dont come at me with pitchforks please

_When you're gone_  
_The pieces of my heart are missin' you_  
_When you're gone_  
_The face I came to know is missin', too_  
_When you're gone_  
_The words I need to hear_  
_To always get me through the day_  
_And make it okay_  
_I miss you_  
  
  
When you wake up there's a moment..a small moment where the pain and grief you felt the day before doesn't exist. It's so quick you barely notice it, but it feels like complete and utter bliss. Then just like that, everything comes back. That hole in your chest opens up once more and you want nothing more than to fall back asleep and dream of what was, of a time when you didn't feel like you were slowly dying from the inside out.  
  
Ellie lived for those small moments. They became her favorite parts of the day, the only part of the day she wanted to live for.   
  
Grief, loss..it was nothing new to her. She had experienced enough of it in the last three years between losing Qasim and Clay, but sometimes it just hits you harder. It doesn't mean you loved them any less because the grief and pain from losing them wasn't as strong, but there comes a time when you just can't take anymore of it.  
  
She wasn't far enough gone that she didn't notice how hard and fast she was sinking. She just didn't have the will to try and stop it.  
  
Sitting at her desk, she can feel eyes on her from all directions. Some lingering more than others. McGee's gaze being the most lingering as he constantly looked up at her. Gibbs' she could feel on her a lot too, but his only lasted seconds at a time. Her eyes never met theirs. Whenever she did finally lift her gaze from her computer or paperwork, it always landed on _his_ desk.   
  
A desk that once held a baseball, a photo of himself, and another photo of him with the whole team that had been a recent addition..all of it was gone and now it was just an empty desk. Only, she didn't see it as an empty desk. No..when she looked she still saw his limited items, and sometimes if she had one of her really bad nights, in the corner of her eye she'd see him standing behind his desk.   
  
Vance tried filling the empty spot on the team once. He never tried again after Ellie had flipped out on the agent and ended up being discovered by Jack on the floor of the bathroom.  
  
She knew they only kept her around out of pity. Her work while still good enough to not be let go, was not up to her usual par, and Gibbs had long since banned her from being in the field unless it was to do interviews. Least there be another passing out incident.   
  
It was only a matter of time before they gave up too. Her parents still called, but those calls only lasted seconds. Her brothers had tried in the beginning, but eventually got frustrated with her. Any friends she had outside work were gone sometime during her refusing to leave the apartment phase.  
  
That day Gibbs sent her home early, and Ellie found herself in a spot she frequently visited.   
  
The lake.   
  
That same lake where she once saved Morgan, the same lake Nick saved water from, that same lake she could have died in.   
  
Ellie felt a tear slide down her cheek.  
  
None of that mattered anymore, because now all she saw was the lake he died in.  
  
_Ellie ran as quick as she could with Gibbs and McGee right behind her. Her heart stopped as she spotted two small bodies lying at the edge of the pier. _  
  
_She fell to her knees beside them, breathing out a sigh of relief when she saw them alive and awake, clinging to each other with terrified looks as they shivered. Gibbs and McGee took off their jackets to cover the young girls, sirens blared in the distance._  
  
_It didn't take a genius to figure out what happened from the tire tracks leading to the lake, and the two scared soaked girls. _  
  
_Ellie jumped up and looked out into the lake, a chill rising in her body._  
  
_Behind her Gibbs asked the girls the question she couldn't manage to get out without choking._  
  
_"He never came back out!" One of the girls cried._  
  
_McGee grabbed for her before she could even move to jump in the lake. _  
  
_"Let me go!" She choked out, panic filled her chest._  
  
_"It's been too long Ellie!"_  
  
_"No! We don't just give up on each other!" She gasped, the panic turning to an aching feeling that made it hard to breathe. "He's not- he's strong-"_  
  
_"Ellie." Gibbs' voice reached her ears. Forcefully but with a soft quality. _  
  
_Ellie collapsed against McGee._  
  
She dropped to her knees at the edge of the pier.   
  
He had jumped into the lake after the car went in, rescuing the two little girls first before going back in the lake to try and save their mother. Neither of them ever came back up.   
  
A sob broke through. Ellie raised a shaky hand to grip her necklace, a ring hanging from it.   
  
_"This is crazy!" Ellie giggled, feeling a happy sort of high as she leaned into him with her arm looped through his. _  
  
_"Now's the time to back out Ellie." Nick laughed. "You know everyone will be pissed we did this without them here." _  
  
_She grinned at him, shaking her head. "I won't have any regrets, will you?"_  
  
_Nick spun her around, holding her against him as he kissed her softly. "No regrets in sight."_  
  
_"Then let's do this." _  
  
_Once again Ellie looped her arm through his, they shared one last grin as they walked inside the courtroom where she'd walk out as the newest Mrs. Torres. _  
  
Her hand fell from around the ring, a lightness spreading through her muscles and for the first time since that day a year ago, Ellie smiled.   
  
As she shakily stood, an empty pill bottle fell from her pocket, falling onto the pier before rolling into the water.   
  
Ellie let herself fall.   
  
_Wake up Ellie! Wake up!_  
  


* * *

  
A loud gasp fell from her lips as she shot up in bed, sweat covering her as she breathed heavily.   
  
"Ellie?"   
  
Her head snapped to her left.   
  
Nick was looking at her with worry covering his face. "You okay now? You seemed to be having a pretty bad nightmare."  
  
"You-..You're really here?" Ellie croaked out.   
  
He frowned and reached over to grab a cup of water from the nightstand, it was warm by now but Ellie didn't care as she gulped it down. "Of course I'm here babe."  
  
"I- you died.."  
  
"I'm right here Ellie." He grabbed her hand, pressing it against his chest. Her body relaxed and she breathed out slowly at the feel of his heart beating under her hand.   
  
"I don't think I can handle it Nick." Ellie said with a sniffle. "I can't lose someone again, especially not you."  
  
Nick smiled sadly at her. "I can't promise nothing will happen, you know better than anyone that life is unpredictable on that front..but I can promise to try my hardest to always come back to you."   
  
Neither of them acknowledged it, but they both knew her dream stemmed from his close call on their last case.   
  
"I love you." She murmured, moving closer to curl herself around him.   
  
Nick sighed a small happy sigh as he wrapped his arms around her. "I love you too."  
  
She smiled against his chest, grabbing his left hand in her own and sliding her fingers between his. Nick pressed a kiss to her head and smiled.   
  
Their wedding rings almost seemed to glow for a second as the moonlight coming from the window hit them. 

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics in the beginning are from When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne


End file.
